Your Cold Gaze

It's always been you.

You never did like your goodbyes. Maybe it was why you’d rather disappear from a group rather than announce your departure. The uncomfort brought by a direct message justifies rudely disappearing, preferring to avoid any sort of heated interaction. Maybe because it’s because you’re bad at following through with the next time to meet, keeping to your routines that are frozen solid. The most obvious answer shows it on your expression, or more importantly, the lack of, which just might show itself once in a blue moon, like getting a glimpse of a ghost.

We always were the odd couple, a very fitting metaphorical description of fire and ice. You were always cool-headed, and your presence has always been a very calming aspect in life, and a balance to the impulsive and admittedly short temper you had to serve a contrast for. Your friends were some of the kindest and most understanding people anyone could have known, acting both as guardians and supporters of our relationship.

Remember the first time you brought them for an introduction? It was honestly adorable how invested they were, and how protective they’ve been. Greg was the biggest pillar of support, being the best wingman one could possibly have. Your gaggle of girlfriends were amazing cheerleaders, and there wasn’t an ounce of malice or threat behind their actions, nor any reason for suspicion. You were surrounded by some of the best people, truly. There’s a saying that you’re defined by the company you keep, and is always an important marker when in the early stages of dating. That was a test passed in spades, and they’re people that you deserve and can only hope to have in your life for a very long time.

Remember our first fight? It feels so long ago like a distant memory or a dream, but in reality it’s only been about three years. We’d been dating just short of a year, which is already impressive and speaks for your patience for dating a grad student with such a hectic schedule. Managing stress was always one of your best traits, and it wouldn’t have been possible to have gotten through a PhD program without you splashing water on every almost-meltdown. There never was a point to it turning into a fight come to think of it; You always were good at diffusing the situation. Was it fate that the dissertation was on the critical temperature of superconductivity in far below-freezing temperatures or just a cruelly poignant coincidence?

When the temperature lowers, it’s scientifically accurate to state that weird shit happens. One of the final stage of hypothermia is a symptom of feeling very hot. At those temperatures, boiling water can flash freeze into snow, and cryogenics is a topic that starts being entertained more and more as a possibility of extending lifespans. The science behind it is being able to preserve and prolong life through a method to instantly lower the temperature as to ‘skip’ the part of the cold that kills you, which sounds like science fiction at this point.

If that was the case, maybe we wouldn’t have gotten where it was. It was quite the opposite, and essentially the boiling frog scenario, where everything was so gradual, there was no flags to be raised, nothing that seemed concerning, until it was far too late. There never was a clear moment where the realization came, no watershed moment of coming to clarity like some romance movie. You did have a strange soft spot for that genre. Was it the emotionally charged characters that seemed larger than life that you might have ended up observing for most of your life? The big turnabout point where the main character comes to an understanding, and finally doing the right thing? Those would have been nice, but none of that happened.

It’s never going to be a singular moment, and maybe it’s something that would have been ignored completely if it wasn’t for the brief glimpses of noticing your face right after saying goodbye to someone. For a brief moment, after greeting with what seemed like the warmest smile the facade fades just a bit, and the expression sloped back with almost mechanical precision. The light in your eyes faded, turning out to be a reflection of someone else’s, the warmth displayed almost feeling like an illusion as it shifted to your usual stoic face.

Realizing that your goodbyes never carried an emotion was the catalyst. Nobody would know, as you never dropped the mask to someone facing you, and only your partner, who still gazes at you when the attention is on the person leaving would have ever noticed. The smile that was practiced and faked through years of camouflaging, the canned delivery of lines that magically sidesteps and dovetails the end of the interaction, any more attempts at dwelling on them feel like peeling the layers of an onion. There’s fear that there’s nothing at the core, and that’s a kindness you deserve one last time. Our last moments felt so much like our first moments, surrounded by an air of mystery. Looking at a stranger you didn’t know at first, and finally looking at a stranger you realized you never knew.

They say that couples eventually start resembling each other, and that has never felt more true as it came to light about the impressions you’ve left, and how it’s changed what used to be such a warm outlook on life. The fire dimmed and dimmed, bearing more resemblance to the coldness you always had, and always will. The hardest decision ever made came from the last bit of warmth and compassion left, which was to walk away from this relationship, to try and get that flame back.

There’s a romance in subway moments between couples. There’s dramatic outbursts telling the other not to go, or pulling them off from the train car as the doors close for an impassioned kiss. There was no doubt that a moment like that won’t happen. That’s not the kind of person you were, and that’s not the kind of people we are. Our final moments at the platform were filled with silence, gone were the vestiges of small talk that were the last embers of our emotional relationship, choosing to stay in silence.

Did you have the same thoughts? Did you also go through some of the good times in your head? Did you think about what you’re gonna say to your parents, who gave their approval on your partner for the first time? At what point did you surrender and let the relationship take it’s course? Through all those thoughts, did any of it reach the surface of your expression? Was there any hope of understanding?

This isn’t some picturesque location like Grand Central, it’s probably one of the least romantic locations, as far as subway stations go. There wasn’t any grandstanding or theatrics going on, and the subway was definitely not going to wait for all the words to be said, but that isn’t an issue. There’s no words, just silence. Silence in our world together, because that’s all that remains. Even when the subway window separates , it feels like there was never a moment of true understanding between us. Your expression that day will forever remain an enigma. As I sat down in my seat and took one last look at you standing on the platform, I’ll never understand what was going through your head as your face disappears from view. I never have, and maybe I never will.